Funny quotes that will make you laugh

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

– Bob Monkhouse

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

– Robert Bloch

If a comic laughs at their own jokes, I don’t like it. They shouldn’t find it funny; they should seriously believe in this stupid thing they’re saying.

– James Acaster

You can never guess what a kid’s going to find funny – besides, you know, an obvious fart joke here and there.

– Genndy Tartakovsky

Even ‘The Inevitability of Death’ is kind of a funny song more than anything. I mean, I thought it would be funny imagining radio deejays cueing it up and announcing it as people are driving off to work.

– Gord Downie

Just telling the facts are no longer enough. You now have to be persuasive, charismatic, interesting, and funny. Just telling people things isn’t enough anymore.

– Milo Yiannopoulos

Do I like being thought of as attractive? I don’t know anyone on Earth who doesn’t, but I do find it funny.

– Benedict Cumberbatch

I feel like if I’m going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you’re buying a book about him, I don’t want you to have to sit through stuff that’s not him.

– Justin Halpern

It sounds funny, but my biggest fear is that I’m not perfect. I’m a perfectionist, and I get upset when things go wrong or when I don’t do well.

– Nick Jonas

I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn’t serious because I was smart. I wasn’t like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious – like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.

– J. Cole

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

– Kurt Vonnegut

I always think of the Joker as the ultimate bully. Nothing he says is funny except to him.

– Paul Dini

If you are a great dramatic actor then you often don’t know if people are enjoying your stuff at all because they are sitting there in silence. But with comedy it’s a simple premise. If it’s funny, people laugh. If it’s not, they don’t.

– Steve Coogan

People never ask people doing serious music, ‘Do you ever think about doing funny music?’

– Al Yankovic

Daft Wee Stories’ is, as the title says, daft wee stories. I just sort of rattled them out, tried to make them quite funny, with punchlines – they’re kind of like sketches.

– Limmy

My favorite type of pet has always been a dog. They’re loyal, kind, and offer endless affection. My friend Eric says, ‘The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.’ Funny thought.

– Brendon Urie

You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what’s current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all.

– Lily Tomlin

People often can’t separate, or can’t understand, that to be funny is to be serious; it’s a way of pulling people in and not scaring them off. I think a lot of the funny stuff, underneath it, there’s a deep anxiety going on.

– Nick Cave

My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.

– Flip Wilson

I’ve never met a funny person who wasn’t smart. I’ve met a lot of dramatic people who were stupid. But I’ve never met a funny person who wasn’t smart.

– Rob Lowe

The follow your dreams thing is really important because so many people are railroaded into taking other paths by their family, their friends, people who should be supportive going, ‘What are you talking about?’ Even just seemingly regular career paths, but if it’s not what people expect for you they kind of react funny.

– Joan Jett

I love rom-coms. Any will do. Films such as ‘How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days’ or ‘Funny Face’ with Audrey Hepburn.

– Estelle

I don’t think I’m an intentional liar, but I’m a little bit of an exaggerator sometimes. If I’m exaggerating, and the journalist exaggerates on top of that, then we end up in funny territory.

– Autre Ne Veut

Karaoke isn’t fair when you’re a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I’m a professional funny guy.

– Chris Rock

It’s funny because I’ve made a living off of words, but words get in the way of what you really want to say.

– Kanye West

I gave my heart to the Lord, and I remember the incident vividly. The Lord spoke to me. I know that sounds funny. It was not an audible voice or anything of that nature.

– Jimmy Swaggart

I saw ‘Annie Hall’ with a group of people working in comedy and television. We were all stunned. Stunned. It was like watching a spaceship land. That something that funny could also be that beautiful.

– James L. Brooks

George Carlin maintained that anything and everything is funny given the right context. This context also includes your own history with a given group. What I can get away with and where I can go is not a problem with my audience because they know me.

– Paul Provenza

You know how old I am? I’m so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That’s how old I am.

– Rush Limbaugh

My uncle is so funny – Don Vito. He was always fat with the craziest voice. Dude, he barely speaks English; it’s just full-blown jibber-jabber. It’s so funny to watch on TV because you really need subtitles because you can’t understand him.

– Bam Margera

My parents are both very funny but they’re also relatively soft-spoken, normal human beings while I’m just a lunatic. I don’t know where this loud, ballsy, hammy ridiculousness came from. I’m just glad I followed my goals and my parents did too. It’s not like we even had a plan when I dragged my mom to Los Angeles.

– Emma Stone

I think that people are going to think of me however they want to think of me, whether it’s female or gay or cancer or funny or unfunny.

– Tig Notaro

I love practical jokes and humor. That there’s frankly no joke that I don’t think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don’t like being scared.

– Mitt Romney

I was asked to act when I couldn’t act. I was asked to sing ‘Funny Face’ when I couldn’t sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn’t dance – and do all kinds of things I wasn’t prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it.

– Audrey Hepburn

I always believe that funny is serious and serious is funny. You don’t really need a distinction between them.

– Trevor Noah

I’ve told so many stories to so many friends of mine. I have friends in Pittsburgh, in West Virginia, and in Indy. That’s three different demographics of people, and they all laughed, so I assumed that if I find something funny and all my friends find something funny, I hope people everywhere will find it funny.

– Pat McAfee

I like to have fun and be funny, but I’m much more of a thinker.

– Keenen Ivory Wayans

Oftentimes, whenever I do interviews with guitar magazines and we discuss my influences, I mention people like Steve Morse, Alex Lifeson, Al Di Meola – but John Scofield’s name never comes up. And that’s funny because he’s so amazing; he’s the epitome of a really cool guitar player.

– John Petrucci

To all the girls out there who think being funny is not sexy, you are wrong!

– Chad Michael Murray

Hands down, ‘The Family Man’ is one of my favorite movies with Nicolas Cage and Tea Leoni. I’ve always loved that movie… it’s pretty special. I also love ‘It’s a Wonderful Life,’ and ‘Home Alone’ – I think it’s really funny.

– Ainsley Earhardt

‘Crash’ came from personal experience. I saw things inside me from living in L.A. that made me uncomfortable. I saw horrible things in people and saw terrible things in myself. I saw a black director completely humiliated, but the three people around me just thought it was funny. ‘No,’ I said, ‘that is selling your soul.’

– Paul Haggis

They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What’s funny about that?

– Casey Stengel

I’ve always loved ‘Umbrella.’ Funny enough, my ex-husband wrote that, and I’m not saying it was meant for me or anything – people will start twisting this – it is Rihanna’s song! But I’ve always loved it.

– Christina Milian

The funny response to ‘One Mississippi’ continues to be that people don’t know what is true and what’s fiction.

– Tig Notaro

‘A Bug’s Life’ is a really funny movie and the characters have such different personalities. The movie is happy and then gets really sad and I’m like, W’hoa, I’m feeling this way and this movie is about bugs!’

– Booboo Stewart

I have a crush on Steve Tyler. He’s funny, he rocks, and has a voice like a god. There is another one who I have discovered can sing. I should try and make an album with him… it’s Barack Obama!

– Lulu

I’m a funny person, but I take my music seriously.

– Cardi B

People are often surprised that I am so upbeat. I’m always hearing, ‘You’re so light and funny, and your books are so dark and twisted.’ There’s a dichotomy. I like books that are dark and creepy. I don’t control it – it’s just what I gravitate toward.

– John Searles

Sometimes you have to take the focus off of you and put it on someone else and it’s funny what you can accomplish and how much strength you really have.

– Hoda Kotb

It’s so funny that Hollywood has become so entrenched in its formulas. Because what I’ve experienced is that the good stuff comes from places you don’t expect.

– John Cho